it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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