We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
