my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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