its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize