I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
