tell your sister to shave her snatch
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
