I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
