i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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