those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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