yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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