Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
