Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
