What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
