I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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