I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
