I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
We got so high we made milksteak
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
