I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
