Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
