You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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