Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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