The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
a search helicopter?!
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
