Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
