i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
