She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
