Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
