I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
