Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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