and she was petting her beer can
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
