I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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