How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
