I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
