I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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