Don't you send me to vm
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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