I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
