omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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