My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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