omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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