This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
