he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
