This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
