I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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