Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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