i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
so much tequila, so little girl.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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