Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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