The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
