security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
