can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
