Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
