R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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