It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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