Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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