You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
