Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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