So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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