you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
