Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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