I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
