He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
