I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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