I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
