Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize